I found myself listening to sad songs I hadn't thought about for a long time today at work. Kid Rock was wasted on the redneck rock that he usually performed. Thinking along old maudlin paths and rehashing the previous weekend, I found myself wondering whether and how I simply seem to lack the kind of coping skills for introspection and emotional distress that a functional adult would have. Never in my life, not with strangers, not with my family, not during therapy, not with acquaintances, not with my friends, not with lovers, have I been comfortable answering questions asked after my mental state. Usually this is because up until the question was asked, I had not been thinking of it and was happy not doing so. If I'm lucky some bland socially acceptable response comes to mind before I really process it, otherwise the question startles me into self-examination and makes me uncomfortable. Or if I'm not some upper level manager will ask me how I like the job so far in front of several coworkers and my direct boss and I'll respond with something endearing and confidence-laden like "It's okay so far." I only notice myself feeling sad or angry when it's really built up or when some other external event draws my attention to it. Until I am forced to peer in, I will do everything possible to fend it off. I don't tell stories well, partially because my stories are often boring but also from problems of delivery. It is irritating how I never feel like I'm able to reach the end of a description before I am interrupted. I think it would help if I were more willing to talk about things people could relate to instead of sanitizing it all before it comes out. I should know better by now from spending time around other people who don't die when they talk about themselves that little harm will come to me and likely great rewards. But it could be that I'm not all that bad and really everyone else is the same way. I have established to myself that I get a lot more emotionally unstable (read: more likely to tear up or outright cry at things) when I haven't been getting much sleep, and sleep was in short supply the last few days. So maybe I am blowing up the problem of being an awkward person who doesn't like to feel like he's drawing attention to himself into something more damning all because I need a nap. This year did mark the first time that I felt okay about simply not bothering to talk to every person I recognized. Some because I couldn't remember them all that well, and satisfyingly, others because they were assholes and there was no good reason to associate with them. Reconnecting with folks I hadn't seen in at least a year and spending time with them was the flip side of my thoughts today. I felt good around those people and felt more animated and clever than I have in some time. So I know I can be better than I am usually and was at other times in the same day. The hope is that what you see before you is some kind of step toward that.